Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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