so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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