hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
