Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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