I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
