I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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