i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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