Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
