Define "chronic" masturbator.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
