Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
