What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
