i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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