listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
