the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
