can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
