and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
