Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like eating out sand paper
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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