dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
