I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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