On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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