Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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