i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
