Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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