the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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