Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
