I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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