she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
