i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
