moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
