walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
