I met the friendliest cop last night
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
