I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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