What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
