some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
