yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
