We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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