she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
