I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
