wrigley field is MILF paradise
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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