I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
