Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
