When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
