so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
