i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
