Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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