I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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