also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I met the friendliest cop last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
