If i come over, it means nothing
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
