i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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