Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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