Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
