so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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