i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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