Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
