Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
