I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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